Frenzied

This is a bluntly honest post. If you don't like it, tough- it's where I am at right now, and I am choosing to be honest and not hide.

I have to admit, Monday marks 6 weeks since I gave birth, and I am in a bit of a frenzy. I am not sure if I have a touch of the baby blues, or if I am just insanely on edge from being home all day with three kids under 6, only leaving the house to drive Micah to school or to go to church on Sunday, or once a week to the grocery store and the fruit stand.

It's not post-postpartum depression, it's more like post-postpartum rage. Or postpartum disgusted-with-everything. Or postpartum I-need-a-break.

After my first birth, I was frankly too exhausted after a 30+hour labor and having half the blood supply of a normal, healthy adult to have the baby blues. I went back to work after about 4 weeks, and back to nursing school at about 9 weeks. I went back to school originally at 3 weeks, but decided that it was too much to handle and too another 6 off for my sanity.

I didn't have the baby blues much after having Levi. I had a great 9 weeks off of work after delivery, and only went back 1 day a week for 2 months before deciding to stay home permanently. Breastfeeding was a great victory for me after my horrible experience with Micah, and I got to stay at home with my babies.

Fast forward to now. I have a boy turning 6 next month, a boy who is a 21 month bolt of lightening, and a boy who is almost 6 weeks old that wants to be nursing constantly and requires a lot of attention.

But so does the 21 monther. He needs me to be just as attentive (for his own safety and for our house to not be destroyed!), he needs me to be more loving then ever because he is dealing with jealousy and feeling like he has been put on the back burner, and he still wants to nurse for that comfort.

And the 6 year old needs me, too. Not as much as he used to- he is starting to flap his wings and fly a little further from mommy all the time. But he needs to know that he is not forgotten. And he needs to know that he is not mommy's constant helper; he needs to know that it's okay to just be a kid. And not to have to worry about what mommy needs help with, or have his little brother wanting every single thing that he touches. He needs to know that he is important to our family and that he is loved.

Not only do all of them need me, but my husband needs me, too. He has been working like a dog to provide for us. He was blessed with starting a new job last week at a cardiology office. It's a Monday-Friday, office hours kind of job. No weekends, no holidays, one week of being on call a year. But he is still working at the hospital, too. And he is trying to take some of the load off me when he gets home for work by taking the baby or letting me shower. But I know he is anxious to get his wife back. And not just in a sexual way, but to be able to spend time with me and have me be coherent.

So there is the baby stress, the exhaustion stress, one car, throw in a little bill and bank stress...  top it off with spit up in my hair, not showering in 4 days, driving Jose and Micah everywhere, breastfeeding someone every half hour it seems, and opening the fridge and figuring out what to make for dinner or bathing two kids while nursing the baby on a stool next to the tub... it's just a little taxing.

So when the kids start acting up, I have been tending to fly of the handle. It's bringing out the worst in me. Exhaustion has shortened my temper and taken away my grace, my mercy, and my patience. It has made me into a bear! I don't like yelling, much less bellowing, at my kids. I don't want my children to remember me as a person who disciplined out of anger; that's not a way to teach them respect, and I want children who respect who I am and how I raised them. That's not to say I don't discipline- they get spanked, but when they've earned it. It's become far to easy for me lately to lose my cool because of the circumstances around me and treat them unfairly because I am not handling things how I should be.

Jose's mom and dad came by and picked up Micah and Levi yesterday. By 4:00 pm, Levi had still never had a nap, Jordi was madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory, I had only slept about 3 hours, and Micah was asking every 5 minutes to go on the computer, the xbox, or tell me a Ninjago fact. I was at my wits end, so I called Jose at work. I started crying on the phone because he wasn't taking me seriously that I was stressed out, and I hung up on him. He proceeded to, instead of call me back, call his mom and arrange them spending the night to give me a break.

I must have looked like a raging hormonal woman when I answered the door. The kids were all ready to go, but the dog was going bonkers and not listening to me call her when I tried to put her away. I had Jordi in my arms and a bag on the table that I was putting their things into. In my arms was also a zip-up wetbag. That's what we put our dirty diapers in- it's a waterproof cloth bag that you zip up until wash time so there is no smell. Everyone else is chatting and laughing. My father-in-law laughs and says, "these kids can't give you a hard time. What are you, tired?"  My mother-in-law took one look at me, and in all seriousness, said to me with a straight face, "You're not going to put the baby in the bag, are you?"

Right. Like I am going to put your grandson in a plastic bag and zip him up. In front of you. HOW STRESSED DO YOU THINK I AM?! DO I REALLY LOOK THAT BAD?!

I laughed it off and explained I was putting diapers in it for Levi. When they left, I started bawling like a baby. Finally alone, I laid Jordi on our bed, laid on my side next to him so I could nurse, and slept for the next hour.

Jose and I ordered take out for dinner (for the first time in almost 4 weeks- we have been really tight on spending), and watched some of our favorite shows. When we hit the sack early for Jose to go to work the next morning, Jordi slept for 4 1/2 hours before waking again. I have napped off and on all day knowing that the kids are safe and taken care of, and all I have to care for is myself and Jordi.

And I know it's all going to get better. These days don't last forever. I also just got off the phone with my sister's father-in-law; they are gifting us a Suburban that we get to pick up in two weeks. It's such an amazing answer to prayer. Jose's job is changing where he won't be away from the house from before dawn til after bedtime. I am constantly reminded that God has us in the palm of his hand. Today has been one of those Psalm 23 days, where He literally, thanks to my husband and mother-in-law, MAKES me lie down in green pastures to rest. I am going to go take another nap now, eat a piece of chocolate, smell my delicious baby's new baby smell, and just enjoy the quiet for a few more hours til the banshees come home.

And when they get home, I am going to kiss them, because I have so missed them.

October Tidbits

tid·bit (noun) \ˈtid-ˌbit\

1. a choice morsel of food

2. a choice or pleasing bit (as of information)

Today is Saturday. One of those gorgeous Florida-fall Saturdays, decorated with windows open, 72 degrees of sunshine blowing in, festivals and green markets and picnics galore. Saturday for me usually means the kiddos watching Saturday morning cartoons on the one channel that comes in with them- Micah adores them because it's Sonic the Hedgehog followed by Power Rangers, followed by the classy WWE "wrestling." It means baking, Jose at work, and one more day until seeing my church family. Today, it also means giving you the tidbits of my last few weeks. Life being changed by birth of Jordi means everyone has had to shift and accommodate to accept our newest family member. Here are a few of the tidbits of the last few weeks- enjoy the choice bits!

Micah and Levi participated in Halloween. We are not a huge Halloween family. As a child, my family didn't do a ton with Halloween, but Jose really enjoys it, so we let the kids participate. We have talked to Micah about the origins of Halloween and how it differs from the way people treat it today.  Not that I am going to get into a huge pro- or con- dissertation here, but we do allow our kids to take part. Micah was the red Power Ranger Samurai, which he hinted for months that he wanted to be and Jose and I saved up and the put it up to surprise him. He was so beyond excited! I love little moments like that. Levi was a soccer player for the Spain national squad, and Jordi was the token pumpkin that stayed in my Moby wrap the whole time- gotta love that thing!  We took them to a Trunk-or-Treat event at our old church the Sunday prior, and it was great to catch up with some friends we hadn't seen in a while, as well as show Jordi off. Jordi was circumcised the afternoon of actual Halloween, so their Aunt Tata and Uncle Dru took them trick or treating in a friend's neighborhood for a little while. She sent me this picture that had me tearing up- I love seeing Micah and Levi grow up together. 

On that note, we carved awesome pumpkins... Micah, with the help of Jose, carved a batman pumpkin and I did a Despicable Me rendition. Micah's pumpkin turned out to be a giant gourd that had to be carved with hammers, chisels, Dremmel tools, a saw, and of course, Jose's brut force. We toasted the seeds from 5 pumpkins (cajun, cinnamon spice, and sea salt), and I will be roasting and making pies from the last 2 later this week. 

 

Micah got his first report card of the first grade- and it was great! He only has actual letter grades in two subjects- spelling and math- and he had a high B and a low A, respectively. The remarks from his teacher were so positive, telling us that Micah "generally does very nice work in all subjects." We were SO proud of our oldest boy!

Levi and Micah are now sharing a room. This has happened over the last 2 weeks, and the first week was total insanity. Now we are down to maybe 3-4 minutes of crying at night by Levi. He absolutely hates the idea of bunk beds, preferring instead to stay in his crib. So Micah sleeps on the top or bottom bunk, depending on the night, and Levi lays in his bed, yelling, "Micah! Miiiiicah! MICAH!," until he gets some sort of response. Levi's pacifier was also taken away two days ago. He thinks it has just disappeared, and I am waiting for the day that he quits asking for it. 

Speaking of quitting asking for it, no, Levi has not weaned yet. I am asked almost daily by a friend, someone from church, or a family member if Levi has given up breastfeeding, if I have weaned him (which to answer that, I am not weaning him, he is weaning himself slowly), or the best one lately, "Have you taken his boob away yet?". The answer, though it's not anyone's business, is no! It's so crazy that the American Academy of Pediatrics, the World Health Organization, and the Center for Disease Control, and many other organizations recommend breastfeeding until at least two years of age, and then as long as mom and child are mutually okay with the breastfeeding relationship. Please don't think that is Levi's sole source of food or drink (any one around him knows he eats almost anything in sight), or that I just give in to him at his constant beck and call. We have established nursing manners (he has to ask please and say thank you), and he knows he has to wait sometimes for Jordi. It's not like I had a toddler dumped in my lap who strangely wants to nurse out of nowhere; he has been doing it every day of his 21-month life. There is nothing strange about it! The only thing strange, at times, is figuring out positions to tandem nurse in. To answer every one else's questions about if Jose cares: no, he doesn't. If he did, he probably wouldn't have taken this picture while I was nursing! 

Extreme multi-tasking: Breastfeeding two while reading The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar 

Jose and I are laughing almost every day about the "gross" factor that comes with having an all boy household... in the past week, we have witnessed (and this is just the highlights):

• Levi throwing dog poop at Micah in the backyard
• Levi licking Jordi's face after he spit up
• Levi "washed" his hands in the toilet
• Levi pooped in his potty (yay for potty training early!), and then took his potty to the dog...and, yeah... you can imagine...

Wait, there is a common theme here... LEVI! We joke that one child got all the gross-boy-genes for him and Micah, because Micah hates being dirty. He is such a little booger, my little worm, but he is such a lover, too. 

We had our first cold days of the year, and the boys are loving it. The only hard part about having one car, though, is that it has no heat- so that means bundling up for school in the morning!

Things are moving at warp speed over here in the Moli house. Being a mom of three is certainly crazy most of the time, but I am learning to steal those moments where I can catch a snooze in or throw a load of clothes in, and not get too worked up about the chaos the rest of the time. It's all a balancing act, and I thank God every day for Jose helping me balance it all- he is the only way I am making it through all this sanely! 

30 Week Update

Look at that bladder! No wonder I have to go all the time!

How Far Am I: As of today, 30 weeks, 5 days. Three quarters of the way done!
Baby's Gender: Again, looks like another niño on the horizon, but we would be stoked if there was a surprise that we weren't expecting.
How Much Weight Have I Gained: +12 at last count I think. I am a little unnerved about this- it's my first pregnancy where I haven't lost 15+lbs throwing up, and slowly gained it back. Needless to say, at this point in the pregnancy I am carrying more weight .
Cravings: Water. I am noticing that running around after two little ones and keeping the house somewhat under control means that I forget to drink half the day...then when it's after their bedtime, and I notice my feet are a little swollen and I haven't peed in 4 hours, I remember to drink. The bad thing about this is that then I am up all night going to the bathroom.
Baby Movement: This baby is either going to be a VERY relaxed baby, or is a girl. Micah and Levi had nunchucks in the womb, and I was constantly sucking in my breath because out of nowhere, I would get a jab in the ribs that H. U. R. T. With this pregnancy, I am feeling lots of movement, just in a much more subdued way.
Body Changes: Nothing major lately. A little itchy on the belly so I am lotioning up. Braxton Hicks every once in a while, usually induced by nursing. My only other complaint is from me not drinking enough, or if I eat something that is too salty- I notice a little swelling in my hands/feet. But so far, if that happens, I drink a bunch and put my feet up for a little bit or lay on my side. I am avoiding heartburn pretty well by paying attention to what and when I eat. Jose and I have started a prenatal pilates video that kicks our butts, and I am really praying that it helps with my concentration, breathing, endurance, and flexibility.  
Sleep Habits: Sleep becomes a little more interesting at this time. I am exhausted by the end of the day, so I am sleeping pretty well, just having to get up probably twice to use the bathroom. The interesting part is coming from these bizarre pregnancy dreams. 
What Micah (5) /Levi (18 mos) Think of the Baby: Levi pats my belly and says "bebe," but I doubt he really connects that there is going to be a baby around at this point. He is a little perturbed that mommy's milk is "ah gone" for now, but I think he will pick back up with the new baby. Micah helped us settle on a name for the baby, and is getting excited. He is also realizing that he is the "biggest big brother" now, and that holds a lot of responsibility. 
Baby Prep So Far: I made about 60+ more cloth baby wipes this week, and Jose and I went through our room and are getting rid of TONS of clothing, junk, etc that we have been hanging on to. It's pretty much happening to the whole house- I just can't take the "stuff" we have held on to being around the house forever, so we are purging a lot and donating or having a garage sale with lots of it. I don't know if that's considered baby prep, but it sure is the beginning of nesting. On the list for the next few weeks is deep cleaning bathrooms, floors, getting rid of Jose and I's bedroom set, getting our room situated for a home birth, and generally making sure we have what we need for the next baby. There's not a lot we need, just a few things, but it's hard when you're on a tight budget, so we are trying to just pick up a few little things here and there on sale, or make what ever we can.
Birth Prep: More reading, positive thinking, relaxation exercises, pilates, and healthy eating. We are getting ready to purchase our home birth supply kit in the next few weeks, and get the house ready with every thing on hand for our birth. It's starting to become real!
Name Ideas: We have settled on a name for a boy, and have picked out a girl name as a back up just in case we have any surprises. Jose has a feeling that a few members of his family won't like the name (they are weird about some things), so he has said that we are not officially announcing the name until the baby is here, because he doesn't want to deal with hearing all of their opinions for the next 2-3 months. If you really want to know, I could probably sneak it to you, but out of respect for his wishes... mums the word :)
Plus Sized, Nursing, and Pregnant: Some days I end up exhausted. Others, discouraged that I couldn't manage to get it all done. But I am starting to realize that I am 7 months pregnant with a 5 and 1 1/2 year old. At the end of the day, if my kids are fed, clean, have teeth brushed, and are tucked into their beds, I just have to call it success and ignore the floors that need vacuumed...the pile of dishes...the grass that needs mowed...and on and on. If I continue to dwell on every little thing that I as one person can not accomplish, it will eat me alive. Instead, I am focusing on the small victories. And if that means making the dishes wait until morning while I hit the sack half an hour early, than so be it. With just over 2 months to go in my pregnancy, nursing, and being a stay at home mom to two rowdy munchkins already, I just have to pace my self.

Tidbits

Snapshots from my life over the last week...

Mama. Levi said his first word, and I was so stoked about it because Micah would only say Dada for the longest time. Levi will only say it if he is crying and frustrated because I am not picking him up. He has said it three times so far, and every time he says it I get ever so giddy. Definitely one of the best tings about being a mom- the first time your child says your name, says "I love you", and kisses you are some of the sweetest things in life.

Micah flipping off the WIC waiting room. It was way more innocent than it sounds, but all the moms thought it was hilarious nonetheless. Micah and I had to get our hemoglobin checked, and it's just a finger prick. Micah was so good, sat on my lap and held his finger out even though he was scared. The lady picked his middle finger, of course. When he was done, the lady put a small band aid on his finger, and then decided that what he really needed was a giant band aid on his tiny finger. And then she drew a happy face on the band aid. So naturally, when we got to the waiting room, Micah proudly held up his middle finger to the ladies and their children and announced, "LOOK AT MY BLOOD SURGERY, EVERYONE!"

My heart was bursting with pride for my husband.  The nutritionist we saw immediately commented when she looked at my file and then looked at my baby that he was a gorgeous, healthy, perfect gem...commended me on my efforts to exclusively breastfeed, which of all the clients she sees, is extremely rare...she then asked how my experience with nursing has been and what support I have had...and then looked at my hubby, and said the following: "Dad, I just want to commend you on how supportive you have been. I mean it- you are great. More moms would breastfeed if they just had support from their husbands. Seriously, you are doing a great job, and your beautiful baby shows." It was a rare moment for my hub to have a little praise, feel included with the breastfeeding, and it just made me so content with the choices we have made to feed naturally despite the roadblocks in the early weeks.

Poop. Levi has decided that every time we are in the car, he will poop. I don't understand it; Jose is convinced that the vibration from the car seat induces it. He says we should make jiggly seats for constipated patients in the hospital to shake it out of 'em. In other news, Micah has regressed since we added Levi to the family. He has been fully potty trained since about 2, and since Levi arrived, he started going in his pants again. I am pretty sure it is to get attention, and boy does it get my attention but not in a good way. It is something we are working through, and from what I understand, when Micah hits his next big developmental milestone, it should resolve itself... Which brings us to our next point.

School. My first born with not be with me every day for the first time in his life, other than an occasional mission trip. He starts Sept. 6th, and I don't know whether to laugh, dance for joy, cry, or try and take a nap every morning while he is gone.

Hosanna vs. Jose. Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest... Micah blurts out during worship in Sunday morning church, "Why are they singing about Daddy?  They keep saying Jose." Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest... Oh well. At least he is making an effort to listen. I had to stifle the laugh and then explain why we call Jesus another name sometimes.

I absolutely love my life since deciding to be obedient to the Lord, making the plunge, and deciding to stay home. Every day is a new adventure. Most of them involve some off-the-wall incidents, way too many bodily functions, moments where we laugh, moments where I am at the end of my rope and ready to let go...but all in all, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not money, not fame, not retiring early, not a night of full sleep, not getting dressed up to hit the town. I heard a funny expression this week, and it was "baby rabies". And yes, I think I have been bitten.

These Times, They Are A Changing...

A day in the life of a pregnant heifer/mother of a preschooler means absolutely NO time for anything, so I am sure you can all forgive me for not posting for 2 weeks. And if you can't, then maybe you would care to rub my little sausage toes and swollen feet while I type. Or get me my second glass of water all day. Or just let me pee in peace... There will be the typical update for 26ish weeks after the doc on Tuesday.

*(Putting my feet up on the computer desk as we speak)*

This may end up as a vent, but some times venting gives you clarity about what you should do. You know, clears your head from all the mumbo jumbo lying around in there, and lets you see it for what it really is. So here goes.

I have really struggled the last 2 weeks, and that is part of the reason why I have not posted anything. Mostly, I have been wresting the bears of feeling like and inadequate parent, feeling like I am just a maid in my own home, and feeling SO overwhelmed--that in roughly three months it will be "baby makes 4", and the madness will ensue.

I am currently working part time as a nurse. Two shifts a week, and each shift is usually 12-13 hours. Jose (THANK GOD) is graduated, and working his tail off as a trauma nurse at the local trauma hospital, and is doing a mighty fine job of it if I do say so my self. Let me give you an idea of the last week:

Sunday- 14 hour shift
Monday- called in on my day off, 6 hours 
Tuesday-cleaning like crazy, keeping Micah quiet because Jose works at night and has to sleep,  band practice
Wednesday-keeping Micah busy while Jose sleeps during the day, Jose works at night, youth group
Thursday- keeping Micah busy while Jose sleeps again, Jose works again at night, Micah is at the grandparents
Friday-I work day shift, Jose sleeps all day, he goes in to work, and I get off after him and pick up Micah
Saturday- Catch up day, grocery shop, bills, keep Micah busy, Jose works at night
Sunday (today)- I work all day, Jose goes in tonight, thankfully my parents watched Micah while I was working. 

How this is in any way conducive to keeping a child in a routine, or keeping a marriage healthy, is beyond me. Micah kissed Jose in the morning Thursday before Jose went to bed to sleep for work, and has not seen him all weekend, and won't until tomorrow at 7:30am when Jose off. I know it's only for a season, and I know Jose is trying to move to day shift, and that at least he has work in today's economy...BUT...I just desire to have consistency and peace in my house- not be left trying to keep my head above water whilst the house is falling apart around me, having an almost 4 year old rebelling because he misses his daddy, and feeling constantly drained while being asked for more, more, more.

I know for sure I am taking my full 12 weeks off. And I know I am a nurse that is pretty good at what I do. I like it, I love my patients, and I want to stay active in medicine. But I am having such a hard time rationalizing going back even 2 days a week, especially if Jose is working nights. We talked about it last night, and I think I will maybe work every other weekend or so, just to get out and keep my self current, but then I can actually stay home and be a mommy most of the time. When I had Micah, I went back to school 5 days a week and working 35 hours a week when he was 8 weeks old-- and I never got to just be Mommy, and relish my time at home with him. I am so torn- I love my profession, and don't want to quit, but I love my family more. 

Besides, I am really getting excited about doing all the mommy stuff again. For instance, I got a really cool (almost sexy) nursing wrap that I am so excited to use: 

 And last time I hardly had the chance to breastfeed, and I wanted to so badly. All of the work and stress from going back when he was 8 weeks dried me up after a week, so I want to do everything I can this time to do it for longer because it truly is the best gift you can give your baby that early. I am excited about diapering with my cute cloth diapers and saving a boat load of money. I am excited about him and Micah getting to know each other. I am excited to get a dog for them some day. And excited about late nights, and crying, and colic, and everything that comes with being a mom. 


So I think in the coming months, I will be hanging my hat on being a nurse except a couple days a month to keep active with my license and what is happening in the hospital. Besides, I will have enough of my own nursing to do. At home. With my new cool wrap :)