Thursday, March 17, 2011

She's Back!!!

Alright, I am finally settling down and making time, a couple of days a week, to pick this dusty blog up again where I started off. Our little Goober is almost 7 weeks old, and it's about I started getting back to reality, and the fact that things like going back to work are closing in. It has been amazing staying home with no stressors- no school looming over me, no work to think about. The biggest things I have had to worry about have been what I am going to occupy Micah (our 4 year old) with during the day while his daddy is sleeping, and when I have to breastfeed next.

Speaking of work and nursing, I have to be brutally honest. I for the LIFE of me cannot be dragging my feet more about going back to work. I do have pretty cool directors that are letting me come back to work basically any days I want (too bad that's none) so I am only committing to one day a week. The pathetic thing is that I am only doing one day a week, and I still don't want to! I am mainly going back so that I can keep my nursing license active and be in practice. When we are done having kids and the last one is going to school, I am most likely going to want to go back to work full time just so I don't go stir crazy.(The money would be nice too, hah!)

I think the main reason I am bucking wanting to go back is that I am relishing being at home. With Micah, I was in the middle of getting my RN. I tried to go back when he was 3 weeks old to not miss a semester; I was severely anemic from the birth, and felt like I had been hit by a truck. It was too early, so I waited another 6 weeks, and went back when he was barely 2 months old. This was school 5 days a week, clinicals at 6:30 am, and working 15-25 hours a week on top of that. I never really had time to just stop, take it all in, and be a mom. Or a housewife, much less.

Granted, Jose and I have had to be extremely choosy about where our money has gone the last 7 weeks with me being at home. I am proud to say that between gas, groceries, and other stuff, we have survived the last 10 days on $100- for a family of four- but it hasn't been easy or fun.

I am learning to be a little more content with what I have, and a little less greedy. To be honest, material things really got to me after Levi was born. I didn't end up having a baby shower- people asked if they could throw one and never did, and then my sister was going to but it was so late in my pregnancy I told her not to worry about it, because we had just broken down and bought most of what we needed. But deep inside, I was hurt that I didn't get a shower, and that I didn't have the "stuff." But was that what I was really, truly upset about?

I got my answer about three weeks after Levi was born. Jose had just started back to work. The calls stopped coming to see how Levi was. Jose was working at night, and sleeping during the day, so I had basically no adult contact at all. Micah was extremely rowdy, and adjusting to the baby. And I was upset that no one I was close to had come to see me. Not to see the baby, not to check up, but to really stop and see how I was. How I was coping. Had gotten me anything.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
he refreshes my soul"
Psalm 23 1-3a

How selfish was I!!! I read that and realized that I didn't need anything; I had everything I needed! A husband providing for us, two healthy children, and a roof over our heads... I didn't need any one to come see me; God was trying to refresh me without having other people distract me. What I had done was allow jealousy, greed, selfishness and anger to take hold of me so much that I couldn't even see what was all around me. Even more, I was letting it affect how I was parenting, and how I was treating my husband.

I have had almost 10 amazing weeks off work, and am taking a trip to Nashville to see my sister before I go back. Levi is healthy. Micah is getting ready to start Pre K. Jose has been an amazing provider for us. And yeah, I am sleep deprived and nursing all the time, but it has been so great for me to kick back and just be a mom for once. 

I guess me dragging my feet to go back isn't so pathetic, after all. Maybe I could go so far as to say it's noble. I know careers are great, and it's been great having one the last few years, but being a mom is so much better. I commend all you stay-at-home-moms. The 24 hour service you provide is incredible.So I guess I will go back one day a week, keep my license, and consider my self a stay at home mom 85% of the time. I am blessed to do it.